finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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