CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
