dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All the doctor said was why
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
