I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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