I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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