If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
