What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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