alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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