Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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