Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
