my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
