Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
