Swine flu. Run for my life!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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