flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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