oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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