Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
