Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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