I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
not ubering you a puppy
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
