I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
