went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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