Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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