I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
