I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
