Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
two words: eviction party
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
