the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Let's get the cat blown out
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
