I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
two words...techno handjob
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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