Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Small penises have feelings too.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We need a shit load of segways right now
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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