Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
