Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
