i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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