why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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