It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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