A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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