You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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