My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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