Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Randomize
