a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
