im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
