I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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