I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
