I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
