Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
