Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
