I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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