girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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