i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
