Plan B is the new Plan A
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
