I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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