I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
