today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
