My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
