is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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