I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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