Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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