Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
