Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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