I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
